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Moolah
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Posting #1: Wed Jun 20th, 2007 09:08 |
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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says..."Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!" The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
:s18:
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Kop
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Posting #2: Fri Aug 24th, 2007 02:29 |
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Ah Pek and Ah Ma were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then, you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then, you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers, got out of bed and walk away.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth lah!"
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random
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Posting #3: Wed Aug 29th, 2007 03:53 |
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>Aging Aunt Mildred
>
>
>
>Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly
>despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she
>would just kill herself and join him in death.
>
>
>
>Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took
>out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the
>heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
>
>
>
>Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a
burden
>to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just
>exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your
>heart would be just below your left breast".
>
>
>
>Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
>gunshot wound to her knee.
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random
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Posting #4: Wed Aug 29th, 2007 05:29 |
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>It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
>the mail through all kinds of weather to the
>same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route,
>he was greeted by the whole family there,
>who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a
>gift cheque for $500.
>
>At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an
>18-carat gold box.
>
>The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch
>whisky.
>
>At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
>lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him
>up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
>passionate love he had ever experienced.
>
>When he had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde
>fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes,
>ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and freshly-squeezed orange juice.
>When he was truly satisfied she poured him
>a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note
>sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
>
>"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the
>five dollars for?"
>
>"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that
>today would be your last day, and that we should do
>something special for you. I asked him what to give you".
>
>He said, "F*ck him. Give him five bucks." She smiled prettily. "The
>breakfast was my idea."
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Kop
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Posting #5: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 04:19 |
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Not Tonite...
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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Kop
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Posting #6: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 04:20 |
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Cruise diary
DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my dresses and makeup. I'm really excited.
_______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
_______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. T he Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
_______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
_______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again declined. He told me that if I didn't come to his cabin for the night, he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
_______________________________________________
DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today... Twice
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InvestorGila
Forum Whacko
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Posting #7: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 06:33 |
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The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
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kissnight
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Posting #8: Wed Oct 17th, 2007 07:26 |
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I FOUND THE REMOTE
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote"
:s24:
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Moolah
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Posting #9: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 09:20 |
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Medical Distinctions
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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prophet
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Posting #10: Tue Nov 13th, 2007 03:54 |
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 Needed that!
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